happiness

When I was kid, I got so much troubles around me. I never knew how to stand on it. And I asked mom, why God was so unfair to me? Why He gave me this kind of life while my friends got more happier? Why?
She said, I should not have asked that kind of question. If I believed in God (his existence), I should have accepted all things happened.
And I burried it deep. Never willing to ask it again.

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There was a question that I really did not want to ask. It occured, 2years ago. My Mom got a serious problem with her health, my academic was getting really really weak. At the same time, I felt ruined, lonely, gloomy, abandoned, confused, like all the saddest things were in me.

I asked Him, "why? Why me? Why my family? Why, God?"

But, I chose not to recite, not to ask the same question. I chose to keep silent and let it happen. It was his will. I prayed to Him quite a lot, more than I had to.

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Now, the almost same questions are coming to me, while I feel like I prayed a lot to God, I obey His rules, I encourage myself with good knowledge making me praise Him way much more than I did before, I accept all trials happily hoping I would get happier life.
But, it always seems to me, I get way much trials than my friends. I knew my friends, Some of them perhaps never prayed, some others did not know the history of their religions, and the others, I assumed, they were Completely apathy toward things about God.

And I see they got way happier, successful, and even cooler than me.
What is happiness actually?
Why is God, somehow, unfair toward me?
Why there are so many trials in mylife, while my belief to Him is great?
Why?
Why is it me?
Why it should be me?
Why I cannot get the same happiness like others? Why?
Am I doing wrong? Did I get the original sin whereas I believe every human born without sin?

My Dear God, the only One God, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.
Help me passing through these question. Give me strength for all the trials You give.
Aameen.

Icha, April 13, 2014.

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